Lousy Jobs How to Lose Them In Style

Was it Oscar Wilde who once said 'it's not how many lousy jobs you've had, but the style with which you go about losing them'? Well, okay, I'm paraphrasing here, but it was probably Wilde who said 'you can't lose a bad job without a little imagination and a tube of superglue'. Yet for those of you who want a more subtle way out of your current choice of tedium, I'd like to pass on a few pointers that might help turn you into an office legend. 1. The Boss's Wife Beyond the aforementioned superglue or the always-reliable pack of cheap Chinese fireworks, the boss's wife is probably the finest invention for the soon-to-be unemployed. If your superior has a photograph of their loved one on their desk, you should cast admiring looks towards it at every opportunity. Drooling at the same time can be particularly effective, especially if you can grunt and drop a few hints about the stationary cupboard.

However, should your employer begin to encourage you along this line of thinking, run for the door. Don't look back until you're well into the car park. This is the only instance when I would recommend that you self-terminate your own employment. 2. The Affliction With many laws now prohibiting employers from dismissing their employees without good cause, old-fashioned afflictions still work remarkably well.

If you can't manage a plague or mild curse, then bad breath, sweaty odours, pimples, and uncontrolled flatulence are proven means of losing a job. You might like to attempt to achieve all four at the same time, though be warned that this might well land you even more work when MTV gives you your own comedy show. 3. Random Acts of Violence On Inanimate Objects Nothing feels better than bludgeoning a stapler into submission. Do this in the presence of the Head of Purchasing for it to be truly effective.

It is also worth considering harming the coat rack, the water cooler, and (my favourite) the boss's personal potted plant. Take care not to attack anything that involves hot fat, toner, or the office temp. These are the three types of inanimate object known to cause the most serious injuries. 4.

Animals No decent career requires you to carry your pet iguana in your pocket but, when you have a bad job, it can only help. Professing unnatural love towards any form of rodent has also been proven to be effective, except, that is, for certain areas of northern England where it's positively encouraged. 5. Politics I would advise you against declaring yourself opposed to whatever political party your boss supports. They will only admire your conviction and may well promote you on the basis of the healthy debates they anticipate enjoying in the future.

Instead, declare yourself an anarchist and prove your loyalty to the cause by daubing a large anarchist symbol on your forehead with a permanent marker. This tip has been known to work in even most difficult circumstance, though if you attempt it when working for any high street music retailer, there is a strong chance that you'll be promoted to take charge of the checkout. 6. God A touchy subject, this one, but blaming God for your ineptitude is bound to wear on an employer. There's nothing that middle management detests more than one of their workers believing that they're controlled by even higher forces. If you can choose a minor deity of an obscure religion, you stand even more chance of finding yourself out of a job.

It is well known that all deputy accounts supervisors think themselves higher than the Third Pig God of Sumatra. The irony here, of course, is that the Third Pig God of Sumatra was, himself, a deputy accounts supervisor. 7. Spandex What more can I say except: the most useful product on the planet.

The author's time working at a local funeral home came to end thanks to a pair of black spandex shorts worn at a cremation. Spandex is proven to make the average human body unviewable to all but fitness instructors who have received special training to help them combat nausea in stressful workout conditions. 8.

Elton John This one should only be considered in the most extreme circumstances since it involves the chance of considerable danger to your mental health. Singing along to an iPod equipped with Mr. John's greatest hits leads to immediate loss of both job and hearing in 98% of cases. The other 2% claimed to have enjoyed 'the really quite excellent music' and went on to win high-paying jobs organising opening ceremonies at the Olympic Games. As I said: 'considerable danger to your mental health'. ŠThe Spine .

By: David Buckingham