ODD JOBS

While some may say, "the world is going to Hades in a handbasket", I say "piffle!" First, Hades isn't even on my "To Do" list for today or, for that matter, tomorrow. Second, "handbaskets" are only for those who enjoy carrying coals to Newcastle or some other Fool's Paradise. Anyway, I prefer to think that life is what you make of it. So, enjoy every minute.

And, when you've finished your "bowl full of cherries", fear not, there will be plenty of "pleasure pits" to enjoy, just mark my words! Not one to gather moss under my feet, or pout about what to do while "Waiting for Godot", I've decided to share with you some odd jobs I've had to justify my existence, (but more importantly .my jam and peanut butter). You'll note that none of the positions mentioned below have appeared in the newspaper under the heading, "jobs wanted".

That's not surprising. After all, why would women want to reveal how to preserve their sanity amidst the chaos and clutter left behind by the magnificent men from Mars? (But that's another tangential story, worth at least one chapter in my next book, "Cautionary Tales from Martian Caves". Where was I? .ah yes, the "odd" jobs: -- Whine & Cheese Party Hostess -- Wing-It & Wet-Nurse Wonder Woman -- Lost-and-Found Monitor & Bumbershoot Locator -- Little Rubber Ducky Fundraiser -- Fly-Swatting Summer Camp Counsellor -- Bruxism Buster and Tooth Fairy Stand-In -- Accredited Waffle Stomper & Bucker-Upper -- Out-On-A-Limb Branch Coordinator -- "Father-Knows-Best" Policy Analyst -- Unplanned Gift Advisor to the Stork -- Gourmet Bubble and Squeak Chef -- Jolly Green Thumber -- Petty Communications Officer -- Brown Betty Botcherist -- Escape Goat -- Bugaboo Pest Control Officer -- Troll Emergency Preparedness Planner -- Merry-Making Missionary -- Brown Bag Content Provider & Packing Specialist -- Pet Rock Watcher & Hard Rock Player -- Volunteer Burning Bush & Bucket Brigade Member -- Medusa Makeover Artist -- Bite the Bullet & Biscuit Project Leader -- Dust Bunny Control Inspector -- Pointy-Hat Designer & Gothic Clothing Seamstress -- Certified Broomstick Operator -- Brownie Point Counter -- Horse Sense Philosopher -- Magpie Manager -- Road-Less-Travelled Recruiter -- Suppository & Support Hosery Consultant -- Snooze Alarmist -- Prince Valiant & Prince Charming Skills Evaluator -- Spotless Throne Room & Stop-Watch Housekeeping Director -- Red Ribbon Recycler & Return Merchandise Expert -- Stickey Wicket & Bad Karma Turnaround Tactician -- Licensed Perfectionist & Procrastinator -- Bungle-Conscious Breadwinner & Part-Time Banshee -- Registered Owner of a Sling-Shot -- Legal Pot Shot Shooter -- Supreme Goddess of Glitch in the Wicked Wench Covey -- Bluffoligist, Blurtologist & Bumpfologist -- "The One And Only Boisterous Ballyhooing Bucksheeist" So, when the boo-boos and lumps of life start getting you down, just put things into perspective.

And don't forget, a little levity always defies gravity! .

By: Victoria Elizabeth

Humor

Ebony and Greenery - Bell had followed him home.

Restaurant Manager Gives Out Sexual Favors As Performance Bonus Raise - While many restaurant workers worry and sweat in anticipation of an imminent job-related performance review, employees at Applebee's in Westland have adopted an entirely different attitude toward the employment evaluation process.

No More Oreos Tell Me it isnt True - Another good citizen comes to the aid of the uninformed public.

How To Have An Argument With Yourself And Win - Throughout the years, I'm happy to report, I have learned a thing or two about myself.

Im Not A Christian But I Play One On Sunday - After more than three decades of church ministry, I have come to one unsettling conclusion.

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