That SpamIAm I Do Not Like That SpamIAm

If Spam were the ham-want-a-be instead of junk e-mail, I could say you are what you eat. That's because Spam is supposed to be a reflection of who you are, based on the websites you visit and the cookies that follow you home. I have the obligatory bulk mail folder that fills up faster than the New Orleans levies during Katrina. But, it's a social phenomenon that deserves closer scrutiny.

In the interest of scientific investigation and self-diagnosis, I'll share some recent e-mails and what it tells you about my pathetic life. I'll break it down by e-mail subject and what I think it means.(1) Penis enlargements Cheap! ? How do they know my size?.(2) Refinance Before it's Too Late ? Too late for what? To pay the refinance charge?.(3) Viagra on Sale ? Is my poor performance showing?.

(4) Nigerian Attorney Needs Your Attention ? I wonder what that's all about?.(5) Get Your Free I-Pod ? Who says nothing is free anymore?.(6) Get Paid While You Sleep _ Who said if you snooze, you lose.(7) Hot Chicks in Your Area ? Does that mean the KFC around the corner?.(8) E-Bay tips for Dummies ? Who are you calling a dummy?.

(9) We have Found Your Missing Money ? Did you go under my sofa cushions again?.(10) Invitation From Donald Trump ? I get to hear "You're Fired" in person.(11) Drug Rehab Center ? Gotta kick that Tylenol.(12) Stop Paying Taxes! ? And start going to prison, right?.(13) A Payday Loan to Cure Your Problem ? Like getting stupid Spam mail?.(14) Great Careers Opportunity ? Did I mention I'm retired?.

(15) Party Poker Your Way ? Like cheating to win?.(16) Get Your Degree Online - I always wanted to be a rocket scientist.(17) A Woman Wants You ? This must be from my daughter needing money.

(18) Costa Rica Land is Yours ? Funny, I don't remember ordering any.(19) Spanish Lottery Winner ? Send me my pecos ASAP, por favor.(20) Gas Savings Instantly ? Should I stop eating beans?.So now you know all my inner-most secrets about where I go on the Internet in my spare time and how it judges me. I guess I should stick to the basic news and travel sites because they should be safe enough. Unless I decide that the "Baghdad Cruise Special" I just received, is worth checking out.

.Jeffrey Hauser was a sales consultant for the Bell System Yellow Pages for nearly 25 years. He graduated from Pratt Institute with a BFA in Advertising and has a Master's Degree from Monmouth University.

He had his own advertising agency in Scottsdale, Arizona and ran a consulting and design firm, ABC Advertising. He has authored 6 books and a novel, "Pursuit of the Phoenix," available at amazon.com.

His latest book is, "Inside the Yellow Pages." Currently, he is the Marketing Director for http://www.thenurseschoice.com, a Health Information and Doctor Referral site.

By: Jeffrey Hauser

Humor

Ebony and Greenery - Bell had followed him home.

Restaurant Manager Gives Out Sexual Favors As Performance Bonus Raise - While many restaurant workers worry and sweat in anticipation of an imminent job-related performance review, employees at Applebee's in Westland have adopted an entirely different attitude toward the employment evaluation process.

No More Oreos Tell Me it isnt True - Another good citizen comes to the aid of the uninformed public.

How To Have An Argument With Yourself And Win - Throughout the years, I'm happy to report, I have learned a thing or two about myself.

Im Not A Christian But I Play One On Sunday - After more than three decades of church ministry, I have come to one unsettling conclusion.

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