The Cackle Factor

What would we do if we couldn't laugh at people and the things they do? I'm usually not the type of guy who sits around just talking about people. Ask my wife. I don't believe in that. But this is a special occasion and there are those things that people do that just make me cackle like a big fat hen.

If you didn't find humor in these things before, you will now.Here a list of 10 of the funniest things I ever did see rated by my Cackle Rating System. The Cackle Factor is calculated this way: Volume of initial roar (in decibels) ÷ Height of vertical jump (in inches) x Distance stumbled across the room (in feet) + number of knee slaps. It usually computes to a number less than 100. After that, it helps to sprinkle in a pinch of ridicule, for it brings out the essence of the cackle for its utmost potential. On we go.

Number 10: When a person has a cold or allergies, watch when they blow their nose and then examine what comes out. What are they looking at? Is it the color or the texture? I don't know. But that merely makes me smile.

What makes me cackle is when they sniff the stuff back into their brain after they blow. Cackle Factor: 60.3.Number 9: Only sports fans will appreciate this one.

Have you ever seen professional athletes play in "competitive" exhibitions, such as in football or basketball? I saw part of a celebrity basketball game during the NBA All-Star break about a year or two ago that put NBA players on teams with actors, rappers and other superstars. These games aren't staged as any kind of tryout nor is anyone going to receive any endorsement deal as a result of their performance in this stupid game. So it was cackle-able when Richard Jefferson of the New Jersey Nets began taking the ball to the hole with force, rebounding like Rodman and dunking on people with fierceness. The same concept applies during Pro Bowl weekend in the NFL except they are a bit smarter as they do not allow non-NFL players participate in these activities.

But when it came time for the 40 yard dash (and the unofficial title of "NFLs Fastest Man") dudes got their game faces on and started talking like they what they were about to do actually meant something to the rest of the world. The thing that is more amusing is that the winner, Allen Rossum of the Atlanta Falcons, kicked and roared for the cameras then had the nerve to flex after the race as if he did something of importance. I was uncomfortable with the embarrassment I felt for these guys. Nonetheless, I cackle about with great pleasure. Cackle Factor: 62.2.

Number 8: Sports fans who are too much into their favorite team. The true fanatics. You know you've reached this point when you start referring to your team, whether it be football, basketball, baseball or NASCAR, as 'WE'. "We got the lead on 'em and just couldn't hold 'em at the end. But we'll be back and ready to go again next week.

" Listen, son - If the owner barely has the right to say 'WE' when it comes to commenting on a game, then you definitely don't have it. Especially in NASCAR. That's messed up. You must be cackled on.

Cackle Factor: 68.1.Number 7: People who wear sunglasses indoors and then walk like they think they can't be stopped. Well, stop it right now. You ain't no fashion model!!! Don't make me talk about you as I walk by, Mr.

Fabu-cackle-lous. Cackle Factor: 84.7.Number 6: When people keep talking on their cell phone after they enter a quiet place, such as a library or classroom.

Talking all loud and laughing and stuff.it's even worse when you do that as you rock your sunglasses indoors. You gets no points for that ? only the ones you get when you get cackle-lackled on. Cackle Factor: 87.4.Number 5: Excuse me, but there are people who are?how should I say it? Blessed with girth? Ah, forget it, they're FAT!!! It's okay to be fat, but just don't be in denial about it.

Fat people can look good and those people are exempt from this entry. I'm talking about the other ones ? you know who they are. As the waistline increases, the pants / skirt size decreases. You could probably squeeze it in if you had just one more diet pepsi with those chicken cheddar chili fries.

I'm not mad at you ? you just have much cackle-worthiness. Cackle Factor: 89.3.Number 4: Right word, wrong placement.

"He needed to really know his stuff so he would be able to discriminate that message to his people." "Ooh, she looks so eloquent tonight!" "You know, those magicians were excellent! I haven't heard music that good in a long time." Cackle Factor: 94.6.

Number 3: Black people who believe that people like Jesse Jackson and Louis Farrakhan bring credibility to the race. The only race is going on is the one involving those above and the like vying to become the next Martin Luther "The" King, Jr. Concerning that race, they've all been disqualified. I just have to cackle because if I don't I may go insane trying to understand how you are falling for the charade. Unshackle thyself!! Just because CNN televises an event doesn't mean it's for your good. And don't call me African-American ? it doesn't really matter.

I'm black! He's white! She's yellow! Who cares?!! Furthermore, please don't try to tell me I didn't contribute to saving my race since I didn't march with you to the steps of the White House. You have high cackle-itude. Cackle Factor: 97.1.Number 2: Louisville Cardinals football. Welcome to the big time.

On this level, kids don't run away just because you bark. Not even when you bite once or twice. You have to take your bites, chew them up and spit them out. Say it with me: "Bite, chew, spit.

" Then you have to keep doing it until the clock's last set of 0:00. Now you know, son. Welcome to the game. Thanks for playing.

Goodbye now. Cackle Factor: 109.4.

Number 1: You're sitting in church during the preaching. It's coming and you know you can't stop it. It's a surprise sneeze that's so strong that it brings another surprise along with it out the other end. I mean, we've all done it so we can handle that you toodled during the quietest part of the service, which justifies many a cackle in itself.

What takes this cackle to another level is the fact that you act like you don't do that. Now see?!! That's cackle-liciousness! Cackle Factor: 172.8.

Don't forget to get your cackle on today. Do it loud and be real proud. Jump real high then stomp the ground. It don't matter who all's around.©2005 warmCHiL?/MJStyle.

By: Michael Jarryd Wilson